W

21 entries

Wagner.

Snicker on hearing his name and joke about the music of the future.

Waltz.

Wax indignant about. A lascivious, impure dance that should only be danced by old ladies.

War.

Thunder against.

Watch.

Good only if made in Switzerland. In pantomimes, when a character pulls out his watch, it has to be an onion: this never fails to raise a laugh. "Does your watch keep time?" "The sun runs by it."

Water.

The water in Paris gives you colic. Salt water buoys you up. Cologne water smells good.

Waterproof.

A very practical garment. A very harmful one because it checks perspiration.

Wealth.

Substitute for everything, including reputation.

Weather.

Eternal topic of conversation. Universal cause of ailments. Always complain of the weather.

Whatnot.

Indispensable in the room of a charming woman.

Whitewash (on church walls).

Thunder against. This aesthetic anger is most becoming.

Windmill.

Looks well in a landscape.

Wine.

Topic for discussion among men. The best must be Bordeaux since doctors prescribe it. The worse it tastes, the more unadulterated it is.

Winter.

Always "unusual." (See Summer.) Is more healthful than the other seasons.

Wit.

Always preceded by "sparkling." Cheap as anything. "Good wits jump."

Witness.

Always refuse to be a witness. You never know where you'll end up.

Woman.

Member of the sex. One of Adam's ribs. Don't say "the little woman" but "my lady" or still preferable "my better half."

Woods.

Induce reverie. Well adapted to the composition of verse. In the autumn, when returning from a walk, say: "But see the fading many-colored woods."

Workman.

Always honest—unless he is rioting.

World's Fair.

Chief cause of frenzy in the nineteenth century.

Write.

Dash things off—the excuse for errors of style or spelling.

Written.

"Well written": a hall-porter's encomium, applied to the newspaper serial he finds entertaining.